Thursday, August 21, 2014

The "Nag-Mobile"


How many of you are old enough to remember that ancient TV show called "My Mother The Car?"
It has been deemed the worst TV show in the history of television.  The premise was this fella's mom comes back reincarnated as a 1928 Porter touring sedan...he finds her on a used car lot and brings her home where she will set out to nag him to death over his obviously unsatisfactory lifestyle.  

Well a mom reincarnated as a car is just the silliest of premises.  However, a nagging car seems to be in our immediate future!  You see, GM (Government Motors), the radically unionized, ultra liberally oriented manufacturing arm of the Obama administration, is contracting with the Clemson University Vehicular Electronics Laboratory (CEVEL) to come up with some fairly radical "nagging logic" for installation in future GM cars.

The CEVEL is working on a project, appropriately code named "Yes We CAN", named after the Controller Area Network (CAN) that will power this automated nagging.  These lab folks are doing all kinds of field research to bring you the best of programmed automotive computer nagging.  They've enlisted the aid of mother-in-laws, housewives and environmental "greenies" to see what they might harvest in the way of serious "nagging."  Everything from "my daughter should never have married you", to "why must I always have to tell you to take out the trash", to "not tonight, I have a headache."  And the "greenies" intend to beat you about the head every time you make an unnecessary run with the car. 

For example, the new CAN car will activate the GPS as soon as you activate that little key chain ignition fob to open and start your car.  The GPS will calculate your location and, before activating the ignition, will ask you where you are intending to drive.  If your response is "grocery store", CAN will activate the GPS, identify the nearest grocery store, then begin to nag you about an unnecessary trip.  "Why you lazy piece of shit", the car will proclaim "Safeway is only five blocks away..why don't you get off your tired ass and hoof it!"   "I just ran the numbers and you'll use .55 gallons of gas on this trip!"  "Don't you even care about your carbon footprint!"

Or if you've been a little lax in changing the oil the car will announce at your very next fob hit, "why must you take me for granted...I work and slave for you and this is the thanks I get!".  You just want to jump into me and it's "wham, bam, thank you ma'am..and without even a drop of lubrication!"  "You beast!"

And, if you are able to convince CAN that you're deserving of a drive, try to imagine what you'll be hearing; "slow down, you almost ran a red light!"  "my god, Harold, did you ogle that blond driving the convertible that just passed us?" ..."you're old enough to be her father!"  

Oh, and the revolutionary new CAN system just had to have a touch of the liberal.  It's built into their theft protection system.  It seems that, as soon as a thief, begins to break into the car, the CAN system begins cajoling the thug not to steal the car.  "You really mustn't do this...let me scan my memory banks and find you some free counseling."  "I'll even drive you there if you  promise you'll keep the appointment."  "By the way, are you registered to vote?"..."there's an app for that you know."

By the way,  CAN will even allow you to personalize the car by giving it a name...just be careful what you call it or you'll be doing a lot more walking than you want to!

(Okay, I'll admit...only 75% of this is true..but that should be enough to scare the hell out of you!)

Cheers, dear readers!  Ain't technology wonderful!


Jerry Carlin said...

and what happens if I were to light one up in the car? and the cameras? will they get every detail Inside the car too?

Anonymous said...

I won't have to worry about a GM car nagging me. Barry already spent all the money I will ever spend with GM.

Ken said...

What Anonymous said! I'm surprised to see as many new GM's on the road as I do. I would have thought Americans would have protested the whole scandalous transaction that took place with that outfit by not buying their cars.

Buying a car that bitches at me? Only if I don't need to pay extra for the feature and I can disable it without something else going down. "My mother the car" was on par with "Mr Ed" and I thought today's programming is stupid.

A Modest Scribler said...

Jerry, if you're referring to a little pot smoking I'm sure CAN can initiate a little "push logistics" from a pot store in Denver.

Otherwise, you're good.

A Modest Scribler said...

Anon, you could never spend what Obama spent on GM if you worked at it 24 hours a day. Obscene amounts that never got paid back...last count was $37 billion loss the government took when they sold GM stock.

A Modest Scribler said...

Ken, all those GM owners are waiting for their new ignition switch....they can't sell them and then get sued when the new owner gets blown up on the front seat.

(I actually didn't think Mr. Ed was that bad...perhaps you didn't take a good look at Wilber's blonde wife.)

Anonymous said...

What I am saying is GM will never get a dime from me to help them pay it back. If everyone refused to buy a car from GM the Unions that got the company would be out of work like the rest of us. There was never any doubt that that money was gone gone gone, from the get go. I won't be buying a new car from any company. ALL my income goes towards beans, bullets and band aids.