Saturday, July 26, 2014

Obama's "I Know You're Hiding Something Tax"


We were sitting at the kitchen table when I lowered the morning paper an inch and told my wife about Obama's impending "I know you're hiding something tax."  The Anointed One, assuming all capitalists are cheats, is considering imposing a 3% tax on both pension and ordinary income in order to capture taxes on wealth greedy Americans are hiding somewhere around the home.

It's targeting folks who have, at one time or another, been offended by their bank, or nickeled and dime to death with fees, and are now hiding their meager savings in the mattress.  (This is not to be confused with the consumer tax on mattresses; those funds go toward attaching those "warning" tags on your personal's the billion a year the feds collect for the right to demand manufacturers attached that tag on your Beautyrest.)

No, this new proposed Obamatax is to catch the "cheaters" who own something valuable around the house and rightly should be taxed.  

My wife seemed unconcerned as she kept on doing her nails and half listening to Vietnamese Karaoke music.  I then told her this tax would surely affect us.  I told her I had two hundred dollar bills rolled up in a pair of black socks in my socks drawer.  This got the wife's attention and she looked at me and asked why.  I said it was my "mad money" in case I ever wanted to run away from home.  She looked at me as if I were daft.  I then told her that I had buried some valuables in a Campbell's Tomato Soup can exactly five feet from the northeast corner of the garden shed in the back yard.  "What's in it?", she queried.  "Fifty Kennedy half dollars, a 10k gold Jostens class ring and a Little Orphan Annie Genuine Decoder Ring," said I.  Again the stupefied look from my wife as she slid her fingers under the little machine that transmits ultraviolet light and dries her nails in five minutes flat.

"It's a good thing you sold my 20 year collection of pristine condition Playboy magazines for $5 bucks at a garage sale while I was deployed overseas", I said.  "Otherwise, we'd be paying out the yahoo for that collection."  "And I don't even want to think what my 50's era collection of Superman DC Comics that you sold to a kid down the block for $2 bucks"...."that would have cost us a fortune in new taxes."  

Again the wife looked at me as if I were a bit crazy, though surely she recognized the subtle note of sarcasm.  Just as her attention was drawn back to a rather captivating Vietnamese folk song emanating from the CD player, I pointed to her gold crucifix around her neck.  "Isn't that  18k gold?", I queried.  She nodded, staring at me as if saying "what's your point?".  I said "well, that'll have to be taxed, and all that other jewelry in that oak jewelry box on your bedroom dresser.

At this, I had my wife's total attention; her jaw dropped half an inch and she looked at me; I had finally got her attention.  Like very Asian ever born, Asians tend to buy gold jewelry as a hedge against 1,000 percent inflation rates back in the home country...they tend to have about as much faith in paper money as that roll of Angel Soft on the roll in the bathroom.

So, by this time I finally had my normally staid wife really angry.  I always know a storm is brewing when the color rises in her cheeks and her nostrils flare just a bit.  "You better write a letter to Congress right away!", said she.  I then tried to explain Obama's "Executive Orders" but I soon saw her mind was elsewhere.

Perhaps she was thinking about sock drawers and soup cans...I never know what my wife is thinking.


Jerry Carlin said...

Sounds like my wife! Every time I think I have her figured out she informs me that I am wrong! She makes the rules and always at #1, I am not allowed to know them!

Frank said...

Geez, Jerry. Your wife sounds a little like Obama. At least we get to know the rules after it's too late with him...

TheRandyGuy said...

Haven't heard this one yet.... Can you imagine the difficulty in imposing that tax? Short of searching homes and going over grounds with metal detectors, how is it possible to assess and administer this tax? I know the libs would love to tax unrealized earnings (stocks that rise in value or mutual funds that go up but with neither dividends or a realization event by the owner), and there is interest in taxing the value of total net worth, but this is a new one to me,,,

A Modest Scribler said...

I apologize, Randy. This was really meant to be satire...a little tongue in cheek to have fun with my wife. It's a bit sad but the concept is not out of the realm of possibility with this President.