Sunday, July 20, 2014

Need A Paid Mouthpiece?


Check your wallet folks!  Any money missing?  Well, don't count on it staying that way!  We all know America is a laboratory for innovative business models and Amplify'D is a brand spanking new company that is bound and determined to meet a need!  And that need is "personal lobbying".  

Here's how it works.  For five bucks Amplify'd professional callers will call up an already established interest group AND your Senator or Congressman and lobby them in favor of your own personal interest.  All you need to do is call Amplify'd and tell them your gripe...then let them run with it.  This saves you from writing or calling or emailing your Congressional representatives yourself.

Now, here's why you might want to spring for a "Lincoln" or two yourself.  So far only liberal groups are using Amplify'd services.  Our liberal friends are paying to lend their support to have a trillion dollars in student loan debt forgiven by your government...and of course at your expense.

Another Amplify'd campaign is to end prison sentences for drug users.  After all, how can these druggies burglarize your home, steal your car, or rob you to pay for their drug habit if their stuck in a prison cell?

And there's all kinds of folks paying to take away your rights to own a gun.  There's even one that wants to prohibit American youth from working in agricultural fields and one to end water fluoridation and one to keep Americans out of national parks in order to protect wildlife!

There's even a campaign to force Starbucks to use organic milk in those $7 dollar cafe latte's!  It seems consumers are gagging on that nasty homogenized milk!

Personally, I'm going over my monthly budget to see if I can't afford to hire a few "lobbyist hit men" myself.  

I want Congress to force people to stop talking on their cell phones in movie theaters, stop texting while driving and force smart phone users to look at me, and not the face of their phone, when I'm addressing them.  I want to ban microwave ovens in fast food establishments and force fast food franchises to give me my order free if I've had to burn a gallon of gas while waiting in their drive-thru.  

I want Congress to force folks to take a basic English composition course before they are allowed to post on an internet message board.  I want voters to be required to show their Crate and Barrel loyalty card before they are allowed to cast a vote....cause I know damn well Crate and Barrel will check I.D. before they sell them a quart of Gallo.

And I want Southwest Airlines to give Barack and Michelle one free one way ticket to Chicago.


Jerry Carlin said...

why do you hate Chicago?
It is a nice thought that I can sell my civic responsibility for only 5 bucks. I'm saving my quarters now!

A Modest Scribler said...

Jerry, my man! Chicago is the most corrupt city in let that corrupt community organizer go home and sit in his own partly made pile of excrement.

Yeah...I thought of working for Amplifyd but they didn't have any conservative loss.

Happy Sunday!

Anonymous said...

My feelings about Chicago are that it was probably better off when Al Capone ran it.
Unlike government,
he ran his businesses at a profit and dressed as a good as a Senator (unlike today's street hoodlums).

These days, the only things I can find good about Chicago, besides the pizza, is the band. Their music will always be great.

A Modest Scribler said...

Anon, you're right. Old Al probably had better values than the current crop of residents.

On the brighter side, the South Side is killing off their fellow thugs in huge numbers! Soon only the best shots will survive! (Oh, how well that gun control thing works, huh?)

Craig said...

I now have a renewed spirit for recycling and picking up pennies.All of the proceeds will be going to lobby for the end of political correctness and for a new law that makes it illegal to be easily offended.

A Modest Scribler said...

Here, here!, Craig...I say let's put those weak kneed liberals that are prone to sobbing at the least offense, in prison..then throw away the key!

Unknown said...

Personally, I'm a big supporter of decriminalizing non-violent drug crimes such as possession. It just bogs down the system and feels like extortion. However I totally agree that people who have committed a felony under the influence need to stay locked up. Apparently using a drug and committing crimes is an excuse for a "get out of jail free" card (sorry, couldn't help myself).

A Modest Scribler said...

Thanks for taking the time to comment, Trevor. I don't agree with you on the drug thing but to each his own. Have a great day.