Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Breaking News!


Good morning, dear reader

For those of you who missed the over night news, here's all the news that really matters.

(Dateline Hollywood)  Richard Simmons held a press conference in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood to announce that he is indeed heterosexual.  As audience members gasped, Simmons explained that he could no longer live the lie that he was homosexual.  He said his wearing short shorts and the mincing walk  and the feminine lisping were just mannerisms he employed to appear gay and draw an audience.  Simmons said he was tired of living a lie that was detrimental to his good mental health as well as his loving relationships with members of the opposite sex.  

In other Hollywood news TMZ is reporting that over 2,000 Hollywood stars are petitioning Grauman's for a "re-do" of their famous shoe prints in cement displayed in the sidewalks of that Hollywood landmark; the women asking to wear their "Doc Martins" and the men opting for a nice pair of Ralph Lauren spiked heels.

(Dateline Washington)  Senator Chuck Schumer and Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi held a joint news conference this morning to condemn the U.S. House of Representatives for that body's failure to pass a bill that would grant citizenship to 30 million invading Mexicans.  Both Schumer and Pelsoi branded Republicans as racist rednecks for failing to grant citizenship to law abiding, upstanding, melting pot loving, English language speaking Mexican citizens.

(Dateline Fredrick, Maryland)  The Food and Drug Administration announced yesterday that, beginning July 4h, 2015 they will implement a ban on hamburgers and fries.  The FDA cited the environmental hazards associated with cattle methane escaping into the atmosphere and the potato profits in Idaho going toward financing of several anti-government militia groups thriving in that state.

(Dateline Sacramento, California)  The 40 year dominance of a Democratic controlled California statehouse continues....today state lawmakers passed a law that bans all White people from becoming permanent residents of that state.  The new law specifies that, unless a resident has at least 50% Mexican blood lines, they will be deported to a state willing to accept them.  The law, which goes into effect on 1 January 2020,  also grants dual citizenship to both the United States and Mexico of all Mexican state residents who came to the state since the first U.S. amnesty was granted in 1986.  

(Dateline Washington D.C.)  President Barack Hussein Obama signed an executive order that expels the state of Arizona from the union effective 1 January, 2015.  Obama cited the explosive growth of anti-government militia and the rise of the Arizona Praetorian Guard as reasons for the expulsion.  The President commented that Arizona is nothing more than an "outlaw state" that occupies far too much of his Attorney General's time in federal court suits.  Arizona will return to territory status until the citizens of that state embrace the legalization of marijuana, accept interstate same sex marriage laws, accept illegal immigration and commit to deficit spending to satisfy federal welfare statutes.

(Dateline Washington D.C.)  President Barack Hussein Obama, in his second executive order of the week, has declared the city of Detroit, Michigan a "disaster area"....this will qualify that city for billions in interest free federal loans and outright grants in order to bring  the city of Detroit back to her former glory.   Obama has ordered automakers, BMW, Mercedes, Volkswagen, Toyota and Honda to relocate from southern cities to Detroit and immediately sign labor agreements with the United Auto Workers, then occupy more than ten million square feet of manufacturing space left empty when American automakers deserted those sites in the 1980's.  Any manufacturer failing to comply with this executive order shall be banned from manufacturing automobiles anywhere within the 49 states.

(Dateline Middlesborough, Kentucky) In the wake of the tragic death of their minister, who died last week from a rattlesnake bite used as part of his sermon, the Full Tabernacle Church has decided to stop using rattle snakes and, henceforth, employ only harmless garden snakes to demonstrate their faith and lack of fear.

(Dateline New York)  New York city mayor Bill de Blasio declared an outright ban on snow in the five burroughs of New York effective October, 2014.    That ban also includes sno-cone vendors as well as 7-11 Icies.  de Blasio commented that the excessive snow fall in the winter of 2013-2014 has pre-empted school for over a million children and has hampered the unionized teachers from teaching NYC kids the value of a liberal education.

On a lighter note, Ms Edna Mayberry, age 87, became the first senior to be denied medical approval for open heart surgery by the President's Obamacare death panel.  Instead she was referred to hospice care for her remaining days.  In retaliation, Ms Mayberry has began auctioning off her free Obamacare provided birth control pills and a voucher for a free abortion on E-Bay.  So far, bids have already reached nearly half the sum needed to self-finance her heart surgery.  She says if she fails to get the needed sums, she plans to move to Colorado and begin selling pot laced brownies to raise the rest.

Good night and good luck.


Anonymous said...

Well the automakers could go to AZ as its no longer a state!

Craig said...

Thanks for the morning chuckle.I hope I can relocate my family to Arizona Territory as we will be kicked out of Kalifornia.

A Modest Scribler said...

Anon, by all means, come on over to Arizona territory. Craig, you're welcome.

HavasuRob said...

Roflmao love it

BlueMax said...

That was great. But this upcoming election we are having in Texas for Governor, one of the guys running is named SECEDE Kilgore (yes, his first name is all capital letters). If he should win...bye bye.

A Modest Scribler said...

Thanks much HavasuRob. Blue Max...that is hilarious! Wish Secede good luck for me!