"Don't Need No Frickin GPS"

                                                                       

Of all the modern devices available today, the one I'd ban from use are those GPS systems.  Oh, I know I'm in the minority here....but hear me out.

I don't own a GPS for my car and have turned off "Maps"and SIRI on my iPhone.  First of all, I know how to read a paper map...even honed my map reading skills to a high shine while in the military.  And maps are quiet...no electronic voice telling me to "turn left in 3 tenths of a mile", then "well you fucked that one up so now go north on 103rd, then turn right on Grand Avenue, then proceed ten miles until you come to a closed-down Kmart..then make a U-turn and come back where you started..and listen next time!"

Anyone from California, whose driven through L. A. traffic, will know what a goat rope that is.  Well, whenever I plan a trip from Arizona to California I intentionally avoid L.A.  I head up to I-40, drive west until I get to Barstow, then pick up Hwy 58 West, and over the Tehachapi range and on into the San Joaquin Valley.  And I return the same way.

Except my wife has one of those portable GPS units.  And she carries it around like a third kidney.  As soon as we get in the car she takes out her cord, plugs it into the cigarette lighter, then taps in our California destination.  And for the next twelve hours I'm ignoring the feminine twit telling me to take I-10 to Pasadena, then hook up with I-5 North.  I get a similar digital berating upon my return.  As soon as I exit Hwy 99 and pick up Hwy 58 East the GPS bitch is telling me to turn back, access I-5 South and spend 20 hours navigating through L.A. rush hour.  I usually wait until my wife falls asleep over in the passenger seat (which she inevitably does with 45 seconds of fastening her seat belt) and unplug the GPS.

Now, if the GPS is your cup of tea, have at it!  I simply enjoy getting lost on my own.  And just how tough would I be if I didn't stumble into a freeway McDonalds and find the toilets overflowing with turds and the paper towel rack empty?  And, to tell you the truth, I have almost made a habit out of stopping at Indian and Pakistani managed motels and asking for a walk-through before handing over my credit card.  Folks, surrendering to your GPS masters have made you all wimps!  How long would Lewis & Clark have spent taking animal and plant samples back to Jefferson if they'd owned a GPS?  Were I either Lewis or Clark I would have been thrilled if an entire nation waited with bated breath for a couple of years to see if I'm ever coming back!

Instead, today, that damned GPS takes the excitement out of setting off for somewhere.  Just last year, when my daughter and granddaughter came to visit, I checked out some nice eating establishments to take them to.  Scanned the menu, wrote down addresses...mapped them all out, and I'll be damned if my granddaughter didn't sit back there, in the back seat, activating SIRI so it could tell me where to go.  Fortunately, they being my guests, I didn't tell SIRI where to go!

Well, dear readers, that's my "snit-fit" for this week.  Hope I offended no one.  If I did just type my address in your GPS, come on over and we'll discuss it.