Sunday, September 15, 2013
An English to Dog Dictionary
Scientists who study the behavior of dogs says the average adult dog can understand an average of 200 human words. They're wrong. Here a just a few non-traditional words they know.
Refrigerator = a magical box which the humanoid visits often throughout the day. Essential that you gather at his feet to catch anything that drops from the floor during the retrieval process.
Stove = a wasted device humanoid uses to make his food so hot it can't be eaten. Essential that you gather at his feet, wait for food droppings to hit the floor, then scamper away with any booty captured.
*Note: If the woman humanoid is cooking, hang around, look up at her often; make her think you are really interested in learning how to cook. Sometimes she will intentionally bend down and give you a sample.
Sink = Something to avoid at all costs. Humanoids sometimes, when they are feeling sadistic, will place you in this basin and enmesh you in soap and pour water over you!
Microwave Oven = another wasted heating device that whistles when the over-heated food is done. Sometimes humanoids use it to heat cauliflower or broccoli; usually passed on to us when humanoid finds it inedible.
Fly Swatter = Another humanoid weapon. Used primary to kill flying pests but sometimes used across the rump of dogs when they bark too often or too loudly.
Television = Electronic visual device that puts humanoid in a sedate daze. Too bright. Too loud and totally useless unless an old Lassie movie is showing.
"No" = This is a show stopper word. When humanoids use it you absolutely stop doing whatever you were doing. It is the last final warning before he reaches for the fly swatter. Safe to wait at least 30 seconds before you resume whatever caused the "no" word to be used.
Dining Table = A magical place not unlike the humanoid kids' Disneyland. You wait until three or four humanoids gather around it, then you scoot beneath it; before long food will be dropping down like manna from heaven, especially if kid humanoids are present.
*Note: When humanoids have left the table it is perfectly acceptable to leap into a chair, then bound up on top of the table and devour any left overs remaining....if humanoids did not want you to have it they would put it away.
Nap = A lovely word! Sometimes our humanoid allows us to jump up into the bed and cuddle with him beneath the covers. So nice!
Birds = Evil creatures that prowl the patio and back yard and drive us crazy in our attempts to catch them. Often lodge on tree branches just out of our reach and caw and tease us. Nasty!
Garden Hose = A long flexible snake like device that must be avoided at all costs. Sometimes the humanoid sprays us with water just to irritate us. When we see him with a hose in his hand we scamper back to the house or hide in the bushes.
"Come" = A useless humanoid term meant to command us to come to him. Unless we feel like it we ignore him.
"Sit" = see "come"
"roll over" = see "come"
Sunflower seeds = About once a year, usually on our birthday, the humanoid spreads about a hundred of these hard-shelled morsels onto the tile floor. We then begin to crack them, eating the seeds and spitting out the shells. He thinks it is so cute and indicates some superior level of intelligence on our part. What's the big deal, we just don't like eating shells! He then takes a broom and sweeps up the mess left. Very nice!
Undershorts = Something humanoid places on his head, then attempts to sneak up on us. We humor him by barking at him, all the while wondering why he does such silly things.
Burt's Bees Hand Salve = An affection deterrent. For some reason when we are feeling most affectionate with our humanoid he irritates us by bonking our noses with this salve. It sends us into a frenzy of anger and we vacate his lap immediately. Just another cruelty we are forced to endure from our silly humanoid.
Eat = One of the nicest words in humanoid language. At the first uttering of this word we immediately leap into "happy mode". If we are really hungry it is not uncommon to see us dancing on our two back legs, whining a little or simply spinning in circles. This makes the human very happy and sometimes results in some great chow.
Treat = See "eat"
Car = A fun ride, especially when the humanoid lowers your window so you can hang your head out and catch the breeze.
Note: Be careful about the car: if we are both told to jump in the car, that's great. If he is taking only one of us, watch out! You're bound for the vet! When confronted with a ride to the vet, turn your back on the humanoid and refuse to respond to his beckoning. Let him know you are very angry about this!
Massage = When the doggie gods are shining on you the humanoid will sometimes give you a massage. It is wonderful; he massages your neck and back and when he massages your haunches you enter a state of ecstasy. This makes putting up with all the humanoid's frailties all worth it!
Pet = The loveliest of all. When the humanoid is feeling particularly affectionate he will allow me to nap in his lap while he rubs behind my ears, gently rubs my forehead and strokes the line between my eyes. We often imagine this is what heaven will be like.
Lifetime = A variable term to define the length of our lives. To humanoids our lives are all too brief. But we know our time in this life is limited. That's why we give humanoids all of our love unconditionally; we don't care if he's cute or ugly, we love him anyway. And we forgive him quickly even if he hurts our feelings because we don't have time in our lives for hate. We are love machines if humanoids just give us the chance.