Tuesday, July 7, 2015

"The Claw"

                                                                 
Okay, I'm the guy who received the award for never falling for a pitch from Avon, or the Tupperware lady, or anything ever sold on TV. I'm your champion cynic. But, somehow in my old age dotage, I've become susceptible to the idea that you can get something for nothing.

So, last month I'm surfing Amazon and I come across this backscratcher. It's got a telescopic handle that extends to two feet or so. The back scratcher is called "The Claw" and the name alone sold me. And it didn't hurt that I pretty well go into an orgasm when I can get my back scratched. And since I'm lacking anyone who has the patience to scratch my back for more than 15 seconds, I felt this would be a great deal! And since it was free ($1.74 shipping charge) that was even better! 

Well, old cynical me, I still wasn't totally sold until I read the Amazon reviews. And they were amazing! Everyone seemed to write that this back scratcher was better than sex....some said "I can't describe the feeling that first time you put The Claw to use!"

So, today, having nearly forgotten that I ordered the thing, I get a little plastic pouch in the mail and it's got Chinese writing all over it. I open the pouch and The Claw looks pretty good...it's got a professional looking rubber handle and it indeed telescopes out from the six inch or so size when shipped to an impressive two feet or so. 

So, telescope the little dude out to full length and shove it down my shirt...and I'm not getting any warm fuzzes....no abrasiveness from the claw head that might send me into nirvana. So I pull it back out of my shirt and touch the claw head, and it's made of some kind of plastic....the kind of material that those little gum ball toys are made of. And the plastic claws are so dull they can't possible do the job of scratching my back.

So, by now I'm in a bit of a fowl mood...the "cynical shopper" has been had, even at the cost of $1.74! First of all I'm almost sure my purchase contributed to the misery of a Chinese prisoner...no one can make and ship this from China and make a profit unless he's employing prisoners to make the thing! Secondly, I'm wondering how Amazon had all those rave reviews for this thing!

So I go back on Amazon and I again review the product review. (4 stars, baby!). And I'm convinced they are all paid reviewers by China. Maybe they've imported some unemployed American English majors to sit at old IBM Selectric typewriters and pound out the praise! I'm shocked!

Just as a footnote, those inscrutable Chinese vendors have now reversed their marketing strategy! The Claw is now priced at $1.74 with free shipping!

Still, I wonder, how is American labor ever going to compete with Chinese who can make a back scratcher and ship it 10,000 miles for a $1.74! 

Gotta go now, I'm busy watching an infomercial for a vegetable chopper price at $5.99 (and second one free...just pay shipping and handling). Anyone got a time share in Florida they might want to dump on me? Cause the "cynical shopper" has already been had!