"Great News Out Of Washington!"

(LIA News Service)

Dateline: Washington
4-1-2011 (3:05 EST)

In a historic news conference conducted in the wee small hours this morning President Obama and Congressional leaders from both parties announced sweeping changes in federal government initiatives and programs.  Wide-reaching changes in American foreign policy and domestic programs were announced.

In what was, apparently, secret joint strategy sessions, President Obama, Senator Reid and Speaker of the House John Boehner hammered out a series of agreed-upon programs to take our nation in a daring new direction. 

In the first startling announcement President Obama announced that both the Executive and Legislative branches have agreed to cease all air support in Libya, withdraw all remaining American troops and equipment from Iraq immediately and withdraw all American forces and equipment from Afghanistan within 30 days.  Perhaps most startling was the President's announcement that American foreign aid will cease immediately!  The President further stated that all federal dollars previously targeted for foreign aid and war funding would be diverted to securing America's southern border.  The Commander in Chief announced that 40,000 of the roughly 200,000 troops serving in the middle east will be deployed to our 2,200 mile southern border, with orders to take "all necessary steps, to include military force" to halt the drug and human smuggling traffic at the border.  An additional 20,000 military troops will be assigned to Homeland Security's ICE unit to round up and imprison criminal illegal aliens and bus those without a criminal record to various border points in Mexico.  In addition sixteen Navy Seal units will be deployed  to ferret out and destroy all big city gang organizations trafficking in violent crime and drug dealing within our nation's cities.

On the domestic front the President joined leaders of the Senate and House of Representatives to announce a ten percent across the board cut in all domestic spending programs.  It was further announced that every domestic social program was subject to "sunset laws" and would require audits and a complete new funding request for each program requiring federal funding.  Any program that could not prove to be effective in achieving their organizational goals would be terminated immediately.  These program audits are to include federal employee reviews to determine if the number of federal employees are justified to achieve program goals.

One of the first programs to be eliminated immediately is the U.S. Department of Education.  All federal education funding, to include monies previously expended on the federal education bureaucracy, would be remanded back to the states to upgrade school curriculum.  State governments, who, until fifty years ago, were effectively managing their unique education requirements, will once again be free to establish school programs best suited for each individual state.  Based on current federal education funding the states will be looking forward to receiving hundreds of billions of dollars to augment state education funding.

Defense Secretary Gates, also in attendance, stated that although this year's Defense Budget will be cut, some funding will be needed to support foreign troop withdrawal as well as funding the transfer of our military troops to border posts.  Gates also announced that both the President and the Congress have agreed to fund more intensive security measures at our harbors and airports.  He said he agrees with the President and Congress that our troops can best be utilized to defend our homeland at costs far lower than the prohibitive costs associated with foreign deployments and the necessity to support corrupt foreign leaders.  Gates further reported that, once the troop withdrawal and transfers are completed, the Defense Department will be able to slash an additional 20 percent of department funding.


Among all of the sweeping legislative changes only the Department of Energy will see an increase in funding.  Both the President and Congress have agreed to fund a "Manhattan Project" for our nation's energy program.  Increased funding to massively deploy solar, wind farms, bio-fuels and enhanced battery technology is programmed and will also include funding to train and employ over two million American citizens.  The CBO believes this employment program will drive down the unemployment rate to a more acceptable 4 percent.   In addition all parties agreed to permit drilling in the North Slope of Alaska and elsewhere as long as safeguards are strict and in compliance with the latest technology standards.  While all parties agreed to look at further build out of Nuclear Reactors, it was agreed that no action be taken until all our current and prospective Nuclear sites have complete "fail-safe" procedures in place.  The President was pleased that all parties could agree to these measures to once and for all eliminate our dependence on foreign oil.


Finally, the President and Congress agreed to rescind last year's health care plan.  All parties agreed that in the next health care plan both tort reform and 50-state health care policies would be available to create a competitive market and eliminate program abuse.


The Congressional Budget office released a report that estimated next year's budget will be in balance, with no need for deficit funding.  The CBO further stated that, with the massive reduction in fraud, waste and abuse, the federal government can erase our current long term deficit to zero within five years. 


All of these initiatives were agreed upon while the American taxpayer was sleeping.  This morning they will awaken to a new America, vital and eager to begin a prosperous and peaceful American century.



April Fool My Friends

Sad, Damn Sad.