"I Desperately Need Domestic Help!"

                                     
Living by myself now, I find I need domestic help far more than I could have foreseen.  Don't get me wrong; I can still get around and clean my house, do laundry and clean up after my cooking.  It's just that I don't see the same things women often do.

Yesterday I took out the Lysol and the 409 and I removed everything from the tops of my kitchen counters.  I ran some hot water and grabbed some cleaning towels and scrubbed my stove down, then the counters and finally used Ajax on my 50 year old porcelain sink and managed to achieve a semblance of white after scrubbing.

Then, I tackled the bathrooms.  I Windexed the mirrors, scrubbed the inside of the toilet, wiped down the bathtub and mopped the floor.

I then vacuumed the carpet portion of the floors and then steam mopped the kitchen.  Voila, I'm done!

Then, this morning I walk into the kitchen and see that strange liquids have streaked my cabinet doors.  How could I have failed to see that during my cleaning?  I begin to look more closely at my handiwork.  As I run my fingers up into the kitchen vent hood I discover a greasy residue that I missed as well.

Later, as I go into the bathroom to recycle a cup or two of coffee consumed earlier, I notice some unappealing streaks running down the lower front of the toilet bowl.  I missed that yesterday too!

I go to the fridge to get a couple of eggs for breakfast.  But I notice a strange and fowl stench.  I bend to look at what's living in there and see a tupperware container, it's lid half opened, way in the back.  I reach in, grab the container, lift the lid and find a salad I made two weeks ago.  The lettuce is a sinewy brown mass, the cucumbers and tomatoes have soured and a glutinous gel covers the whole mess.  I hold the container as far away from my nose as I can and hurry to the toilet and dump it in and flush.  In my haste to dump it, some of the glutinous gel has now found its way down the front of the toilet bowl, meshing nicely with the mysterious streaks that were already there.

So, I've come to realize that I need domestic help.  No, not to do the work.  I just need someone to walk behind me and point out everything that I missed, and then bitch a little about it!  And, since I invariably leave a white cotton sock in my colored laundry, and end up having to pick cotton lint off of everything, I need a domestic to look through my laundry and find any fugitive white cotton.

I also seem to have a problem with dust.  Until it reaches the thickness of a No.2  pencil I have problems identifying the need to dust.  By that time I need a scoop to remove it.

So I may hire someone just to come over and bitch at me.  While I'm at it, I may hire someone to come over and program my DVR and "reverse engineer" everything I did with the remote that has me staring at a blue screen for hours.

Should any of you dear readers wish to comment on my shortcomings don't bother to try and "text me".  I wouldn't know a "u" from a "ur" so your efforts would be totally in vain.

Gotta go now and grab the broom...I just noticed bread crumbs and two ancient frito chips under my desk.


Sigh.