Wednesday, January 1, 2014

"Shorts Subjects"

                                                         

Christmas has come so it's time to talk about undershorts.  Yeah, you heard me right.  For about 15 years my mom sent me six pairs of Hanes undershorts.  She must have felt it important that, should I ever end up in the emergency room, that my underwear be clean.  So every year came a package from Mom, to be put under the tree and opened on Christmas morning.

Now after a decade and a half or so of receiving six pairs of undershorts the surprise factor come Christmas morning was nearly zip.  Having shopped for my own particular choice of underwear throughout the year, the annual under short package that arrived every Christmas soon had me supplied with more undershorts than Imelda Marcos had shoes.  (That's for everyone over 50 cause any younger and you don't even know what I'm talking about.)

It didn't take too many years before I was commandeering two large drawers of our dresser, just to hold my under short inventory.  Had I been the only one generating laundry in the house I could have gone a solid month without washing my tighty whities…(that is if I opted to wear the Superman and Valentine hearts my wife bestowed upon me on special occasions).

I remember when I went to Air Force basic training receiving three each of the tighty whities and three of the boxer shorts.  I guess the Air Force opted for "equal opportunity" with the issue of shorts.  Having never worn boxers I was aghast at how the damn things rode up your ass crack so that you were forever grabbing at your ass to drag them back down, all the while standing at attention in formation.  

Now I've read that wearing boxers are ideal for optimizing your sperm count; apparently airing out your privates was amenable for healthy sperm counts, while tighty whites generated too much internal heat and damaged some of your sperm.  Well, all I can say to that is I sired four children in five years so my sperm didn't seem to mind the warmer environment down there.

Anyway, after basic I ditched the boxers and never ever wore them again.  I've even been known to "go commando" when on a long trip and packed too little underwear.  Like Seinfeld's Kramer once said "I'm out there, Jerry…really out there".  Don't like to do that too often though because I'm always thinking how embarrassing that would be if I did have to visit an emergency room.

Anyway, back to my mom and my Christmas underwear; after about 15 years I finally got up the nerve to tell mom to cease and desist with the underwear gifts.  Being the nice mom that she was, she did.  The next Christmas began a decade of gifting me with socks…..if anyone needs a dozen or so "gold toe" black dress socks, drop me a line.  :)

5 comments:

Easy said...

Moms. you gotta lovem
It's hard to get mad at Mom, no matter what she sends or don't send.
Moms are the anchors of our lives.
Mines been gone for 12 years and I still tell her everday I love her.
Wished I'd told her that while she was still here.

Easy said...

Moms. you gotta lovem
It's hard to get mad at Mom, no matter what she sends or don't send.
Moms are the anchors of our lives.
Mines been gone for 12 years and I still tell her everday I love her.
Wished I'd told her that while she was still here.

Craig Bailey said...

I used to get alternating undies/socks from mom then wife.I recently tried the Deluth Trading Co "Buck Naked" boxer/brief style, truly very comfortable.

A Modest Scribler said...

Craig, I still have enough underwear to last me the rest of my life..:)

Old Bob said...

I'll gladly take it off your hands. I have graduated to the Depends generation, and those things are so uncomfortable they're awful. And they don't breathe: every time I lower them I almost faint -- and that's ME!
It's easier just to buy cotton briefs and if they get badly soiled, wrap them in a plastic bag and toss them.