Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Breaking News! Oprah's On A Diet!


Attention America; Oprah Winfrey is on another diet. If you're over 30 you're likely not surprised. We've watched Oprah as she lost enough fat to fill a beer barrel (and, god help us, Oprah once trotted out that barrel of fat on her show back in the 80's) going from 300 pounds to 120, then back again. She's gone from running marathons to long periods where she sat on her throne and ate tons of chocolate malomars. She's gone through a small brigade of personal chefs, who lived with her, cooked her healthy meals, and slapped Micky D's triple quarter pounders with cheese out of her hands.

Oprah has hired ex Nazi Death Camp guards as personal trainers who have whipped her into shape, until Oprah dismissed them and sent them back to Dusseldorf with a lifetime pension.

It's not just diets with Oprah. She's used her massive wealth to explore a hundred lifestyles, from Yogisim to Dr. Phil. When Oprah was still doing her talk show she used these lifestyle fetishes as fodder for her shows and, to keep her viewers enchanted Oprah would stage her once a year "Oprah's Favorite Things" show, trotting out luxury goods that the average Jane could never afford, then jawboning the makers of these goods to pass out freebies to the studio audience.

Forget Barbie. Oprah has been the icon of choice for American women for three decades now. These women form a cult that follow Oprah's every move, worshipping, in this case, the "golden cow".

Let's get back to Oprah's diets. Her latest fetish is the Weight Watchers program. Ironically, Oprah was dragged kicking and screaming into the the world of Weight Watchers by a bad investment. A couple of years ago Oprah bought a ten percent stake in the corporation that owns Weight Watchers. The company had been experiencing lower revenue streams as America embraced Fitbits and Gym memberships, and the stock tumbled from $50 to $8 bucks a share. Oprah saw an opportunity. She knew that, as soon as it became known that Oprah was buying in, her cult would snap up Weight Watcher shares and send the stock soaring, scoring Oprah some serious capital gains.

Alas, after the excitement died down, the stock price tumbled again. Then, last fall, Oprah decided she needed to invest some personal commitment to the program. She hired another chef, had him come up with some recipes, brought in her ghost writer, and published still another diet book.

In a two pronged attack Oprah started showing up on Rachel Ray, and The Today Show, grabbing the wooden spoons, and whipping up a kale salad right before your eyes. Oprah then began releasing those Weight Watcher commercials. In them she's walking her dogs, performing yoga moves, and just generally demonstrating how orgasmically happy Weight Watchers will make you. At the end of these commercials Oprah looks into the camera, then issues on of those operatic trills that she's employed to praise everything from false eye lashes to Italian walking pumps.

Personally, I think Oprah ought to give up on pimping diets. Her credibility wilts with every eventual ballooning and she's doing American women no good by encouraging yo-yo dieting.

Instead, Oprah should hawk makeup. Anyone who's seen her before her makeup woman comes in knows that makeup can do wonders for those "visually challenged".

If, after reading this, you've concluded that I don't much care for Oprah, you'd be right. Her charity does not impress me; as a percentage of income, I give far more to charity than Oprah. As a person I see Oprah as a billionaire flighty woman who has never come to terms with who she is. But, the one thing that finally caused me to "flip the channel" on Oprah has been her orgasmic gushing over Obama and his liberal minions and her massive fail to call attention to the Black Urban Thuggery that plagues our inner cities, being all too willing to condemn the "honkies" for America's woes.

Last year, before she became enthralled with her latest diet trend she said "America will never be a good country until the elderly Whites are finally dead". That quote alone speaks volumes about where here heart is....and her heart will never be as big as her ass.



Jeff H said...

Typical urban "snowflake", emphasis on the "flake". Blames everyone else for her problems with taking zero personal responsibility. That is why she got rich and has so many worshippers. It's always easier to project your woes onto something or someone else than to solve them yourself. They don't understand happiness comes from overcoming your obstacles by your own actions.

Frank Krzesowiak said...

Actually, it won't be good again until the Oprah's, Ellen's and Rosie's are dead and women will no longer have excuses made for them. People didn't vote for Trump so much as they voted against these Liberal Trashbags. Anything these 3 and all those like them is for, I am AUTOMATICALLY against. Anything they sell, I won't buy. If I was an Advertiser, that wouldn't make me very happy just like the Movie Industry is going to feel the wrath of Republicans tired of all the Left Wing bullshit. I wouldn't watch the Oscar's or go to a movie if you paid me....

Blogger said...

Ever try to automate your free satoshi collections by using a BTC FAUCET ROTATOR?