Friday, April 4, 2014

White Meat, Dark Meat


It is far too late for most of us, but for any of you young folks out there that have yet to select a spouse, let me offer a few bits of advice.  Forget about all that corny and mushy love stuff, forget about looks, or personality, or even compatibility.  Instead, find out if she/he prefers dark meat or white meat and go for your opposite on the meat scale.

Now this may sound strange, but think about it.  When you go out and buy chicken, whether roasted or fried, they always fend off the part of the chicken you DON'T like in order to get the parts you do.  
For example, I don't like dark meat while the wife prefers it.  This has been the ideal situation for the past 43 years.  We've never had to throw out any part of the chicken, or pawned them off on the dogs, because we are exact opposites on our chicken preferences.

Okay, okay...I know you're thinking this is a pretty petty factor for picking a spouse.  But stay with me on this.  Think about how much money you save over a life time of dining on fowl.  How many chickens have you eaten over your lifetime?  Hundreds if you are even an average chicken eater!  Now think about all that unwanted chicken you threw out because of your yen for dark or white meant, but not both!  How many dogs did you send to their early cholesterol-clogging death because they had to pick up the slack for fowl that you wouldn't feed on!

I tell you the money you save on Chicken will eventually leave you enough savings to buy a good size home!  Or maybe spring for an ocean cruise on one of those big cruise ships!

You should know that Thanksgiving around our house is a pretty happy place!  While I'm savoring a juicy and crispy turkey breast the wife is gnawing happily on a Turkey leg and we're both in Tom Turkey heaven!

And while I'm doling out marriage advice, let me say the old "opposites attract" truism is pure gold!  If you're really sloppy, if you like dropping your underwear in the middle of the bathroom floor, if you have no aversions to dust, or a sink full of dirty dishes, go out and find yourself a spouse with a manic-compulsive cleaning fetish!  You'll get along great!

Yeah, I know most of you are guided by your heart and your hormones when choosing a mate.  Shapely legs, a nice rack and you're all too willing to buy the ring and walk down the aisle.  But, if you really want to talk "attractive",  if you really want "sexy",  don't discount the power of the "white meat-dark meat" approach to marriage.  There is nothing more sexy to this white meat aficionado than sitting at the Thanksgiving table and watching my wife gnawing on a turkey leg...better than Viagra! fact, as I recall, that's how my youngest daughter was conceived!


Jerry Carlin said...

Great point! Life CAN be simple after all.

A Modest Scribler said...

Thanks, Jerry...and what the hell are you doing up this early?

Craig Bailey said...

Been married 20 years and your theory is correct.Being as frugal/cheap whatever you want to call it leftover chicken turns into chicken salad for sandwiches,carcass and the rest boiled and strained to mix with dog food.The spoiled four legged ones won't eat plain dry dog food.Happy Friday.

A Modest Scribler said...

Happy Friday to you, Craig...and thanks for not calling foul on my fowl story.

ralph jameson said...

I can see your in a fowl mood.
Good story, makes sense to me. I have always said opposites attract.

Jerry Carlin said...

I would like to say "early bird gets the worm" but it is a leftover chemotherapy thing. The cancer is gone and pain has become my friend!

A Modest Scribler said...

Been there, done that, Jerry. Waking early beats the hell out of not waking at all, right?

Jerry Carlin said...

Boy, that's the truth! If we live long enough we get to try everything!

Ken said...

Your theory is 100% accurate. I have been married three times, all ending in horrible crash and burns. I spent all my efforts looking for what we had in common with an extra emphasis on the mundane items.

I have to say, I gave this wife very little chance of success and oddly enough, where all my other wives could only tolerate me for no longer than a couple years, I have been married now for over 18 years and we are still blissfully in love. The secret is your secret, I like the dark meat, she likes the white meat. This holds true in almost all those areas that I once thought unimportant but are the very things that brought my marriages down in flames. We were always so busy nitpicking each other over the trivial that we could never come to any amicable resolution on any of our important decisions and I never understood why.

I am now happy to report that, I am so happy and so at peace inside and so is my wife. We truly enjoy our own company to that of anyone else. That is precisely because before it got to be to late for me I found someone who allows me the "extra crispy thighs", while I will always leave the breasts alone.

Too bad it took such a painful process to figure that out but I damn sure am glad I tried one more time!

A Modest Scribler said...

Good for you, Ken! As, I wrote, I'm a breast man myself but to each his own!