Monday, August 8, 2011

"If I Were Obama's Speech Writer"


Here's the speech I'd write for Obama.

"My Fellow Americans,

As you all know, the credit rating agencies have recently downgraded our debt from the triple AAA rating we have maintained since 1917.

Let me just say to you here and now; a reasonable man admits his mistakes and I am coming before you today to admit I've made some huge mistakes that have served to keep our economy in the doldrums and caused pain and suffering to many of you who are either unemployed or underemployed.  I was wrong to allow Congresswoman Pelosi and Senator Reid to pass a trillion dollar stimulous bill so loaded with pork and ear marks that it did nothing for our economy and just piled on to our already staggering national debt.

I was wrong to push the regulation crippling and extremely costly Health Care Reform legislation.  My economic advisors have reviewed the ten year costs for this program and have advised me that it adds $16 trillion dollars to our nation's debt and has had the doubly painful effect of causing businesses, both large and small, to defer hiring.  Businesses are worried about the effects of operational costs to comply with what my political opponents have called Obamacare. 

Accordingly, effective immediately I am rescinding the entire Health Care Reform legislation and will ask Congress to draft a less costly, less restrictive reform package.  While I'm not going to please my largest campaign contributors, the American Bar Association, I will ask that tort reform be included in any future health care package to stop these silly and costly medical lawsuits that cause Doctors to spend $200,000 dollars a year in tort insurance and prompt unnecessary medical tests, just to avoid a potential lawsuit.
I will also ask Congress to approve a federal health audit agency to audit the entire Medicaid program to insure only the truly needy are receiving Medicaid assistance.

Also, with respect to Medicaid, I am going to insist that Congress include charging a co-pay to Medicaid recipients so that potential Medicaid patients have "skin in the game" and do not flood our hospitals and emergency rooms every time little Johnny gets the sniffles. 

Finally, with respect to both Medicaid and Welfare, I am going to ask Congress to revise the 14th Amendment of our Constitution so stop having the children of illegal immigrants being granted automatic citizenship, thus qualifying them for federal benefits that should be reserved for American citizens.  Until that legislation reaches my desk, I am issuing an Executive Order that hereby precludes illegal immigrants from receiving any form of federal or state benefits.

The Office of Management and Budget (OMB) has advised me that illegal immigrants are costing American taxpayers $300 billion per year and I want this stopped.  Accordingly, I am pulling 20,000 troops from Iraq and Afghanistan and assigning them to our southern border to stop the flood of illegal immigrants.  Secondly, I have directed both the Secretary of Defense and the Director of Homeland Security to coordinate efforts to find and deport illegal immigrants throughout our major cities.  I also recognize that we have several "Sanctuary Cities" who refuse to comply with E-Verify as well as the "Secure Communities Program", both of which were organized to identify and deport illegal immigrants.
I am also issuing an executive order which halts all federal funds to Sanctuary Cities who aid and abet the proliferation of illegal immigrants.  These cities include my home town of Chicago, San Francisco, New York as well other smaller communities who have sheltered illegal immigrants and failed to comply with federal immigration laws.

I have just come from a meeting with the American Bankers Association.  They tell me that the Dodd-Frank financial regulation legislation has caused banks to hold on to higher reserves to meet overly stringent financial compliance.  This has caused a credit crunch and choked off lending to small business.  I am rescinding that law immediately.

Our most immediate threat to our national prosperity is the crippling downgrade in our debt rating.  Accordingly, I am taking immediate measures to increase the liquidity of our financial system in a series of steps which will both create additional revenue as well as millions of new jobs.  They are as follows:

After conferring with the leaders in Congress we have agreed to close tax loopholes for large corporations.  However, we have agreed to lower corporate tax rates from 35% to 25% for any company who opts to hire new American employees.

Secondly we have agreed to grant a tax holiday to any world-wide corporation who deems to bring corporate money held overseas back to the U.S.  This tax holiday shall last for one year and the amount of tax credits will be directly tied to those funds being earmarked for hiring Americans.

The Congressional Budget Office has scored these measures and have reported that tax revenues will swell to an additional $2 trillion dollars, which will be targeted toward paying down our national debt.

Finally, I've been on the phone all week with the leaders of Iraq and Afghanistan; I have told them that America can no longer provide either military or economic aid and, henceforth, they are on their own.  The Secretary of Defense has received my order to withdraw all American forces from the region within 90 days.  This will save us an additional $450 billion dollars per year.

My economic team has evaluated all of the above proposals.  They have reported to me that the cumulative savings from reforming the Medicaid program, the reduction in war spending and our ceasing to provide support for illegal immigrants will save over $7 trillion dollars over a ten year period.

As I said in the beginning, a reasonable man can recognize his mistakes.  I have done so.  I ask your support, beginning now, to insure the success of these programs.  Write, call or Tweet your congressman and senators and tell them you support these efforts.

May God Bless You and God Bless America.

(camera fade)

No comments: