Friday, December 9, 2011

"A Sexist Pig's Guide To Food Network Stars"

I have a love-hate relationship with the Food Network.  I really like that "Guy" guy who does "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives".  The spiked frosted hair, the shit-eating grin and his likable personality makes any show he does fun to watch.

I also like Bobby Flay, especially his "showdown" shows  because you're really watching the best recipes anywhere.  Bobby's approach is straight up and what you see is what you get.  He's also a graceful winner and loser.

Okay, now for the low-down on the female network stars.  Let's get Paula Deen out of the way right away.  Go to my blog search block and type in "Buttering Up Paula Dean".  That pretty much says it all.  Basically, Paula is really trying to kill you.  If you made her recipes for a month you'd be dead from a massive heart attack.  And take a look at her hubby (he appears on the show when anything deep fried is on the menu).  Her hubby, "Mud, Slud" or whatever she calls him, looks like he's getting ready to explode any minute.  Fifty pounds ago Paula herself was probably a pretty lady but her love for  butter has done her in.   That's all on Paula, "y'all".

Next comes the FD's darling, Rachael Ray.  When I first started watching "30-Minute Meals" I enjoyed it.  
Then Rachael got overexposed.  She started pimping cookware on Home Shopping Network, feigned gourmet orgasms on "$40 Dollars A Day".  Just watch her as she takes that first bite on $40 Dollars.  She always has that same mad look as if she's just had the orgasm of her life and you can see her squirming erotically in her chair as she takes that first bite of ambrosia.  Folks, let's face it;  being able to dine on $40 dollars a day is no big deal.  Hell, give me $20 bucks and I'll eat as well as Rachael...and without the drama.  Now Rachael has her own day time talk show.  I watched it for about a week until I reached the "cutesy" gag factor and switched channels.  As to Rachael's appearance, I'm sorry but the lady is built like  a 2 x 8 board and her trailer park outfits do nothing to enhance the image, much too tight for her wide frame.  When she goes the naked  belly, low rider pants route, well, that's just obscene.  I did note that Rachel got a make up lady when she began her talk show and her appearance has improved a bit.  Sorry, Rachel, can't watch you anymore...even for 30 minutes.

Giada....Ah, Giada.  She has the best rack on television and she knows it.  98 percent of the time Giada wears low cut  blouses showing cleavage that will make any man put down the remote.  Giada almost always uses a spatula for mixing which causes those wonderful titties  to jiggle madly and sends this viewer into ecstasy, hoping one day one of those boobies will pop right out.  Giada's hands are her worse assets; watch a closeup; her hands look like she's  been doing fish net duty on a commercial fishing  boat. That's okay; nobody's perfect and I'll keep watching just to stay 'abreast' of Giada's cooking.

The Barefoot Contessa..I have never liked her pretentious and snobby manner even before I learned that she had refused to honor a 'Make A Wish' to a child who wanted to appear on her program and cook with her.  She is severely overweight and her whole life seems to be centered on cooking and eating.  When she includes her height/weight proportionate husband on the show she seems to smother him with food, as if that were all she has to offer him.  Ironically, her photos of an earlier time show an attractive lady so it's too bad that natural prettiness is  buried  beneath 250 pounds of lard and miles and miles of snobbish arrogance.

Sandra....you know her...she's the one that mixes grocery store ingredients to supposedly prepare gourmet meals.  When she's finished preparing the meal she creates all kinds of party decorations to enhance the presentation of hamburger helper au gratin.  She's educationally ignorant and often tries to 'pass' by mixing formal speech with country cracker contractions.  She's had more DUI's than Mel Gibson and is clearly "trailer trash got lucky".

"Cooking for Real"....you know..the  black lady with the Dinel Wig that looks like it has never  been washed.  (If that's not really a wig I'm really scared!).  Her meals are simple and easy to prepare but I don't think I could eat her cooking; she looks hygienically challenged.  And, yes, I've seen her "double dip" with the spoon many times.

"Delicioso"...Ms Hoffman is a knockout.  A great grill and rear bumper!  The sexiest lips on televison.  I don't care what she's cooking, I'll watcher her boil water!

The wild looking broad on "Secrets of A Restaurant Chef".  Looks like the female version of Guy on "Diners".  I like her personality; happy go lucky and will tell you to go to hell in a minute.., lots of sass..

Happy Dining!


3 comments:

PammieJean said...

The only one I watch with any regularity is Diners and Dives. Most of the food being prepared looks delicious but also would probably kill you like Paula Dean's cooking if you ate it too many times. Watched one yesterday where the chef made a deep fried burger! Placed it on a toasted, buttered bun, then put onion rings and chili on top. OMG! Really, it was probably scrumptious but after two bites, I'd be full.

Have only seen The Barefoot Contessa once and Giada a few times. When you think about it, the names ought to be reversed. Giada is more of a barefoot contessa and I'm pretty sure you would agree.

grenadavet said...

I agree with you Just. For a change, try Travel Channel's "Bizzarre Foods" with Andrew Zimmern.

JustCommonSense said...

Nope, can't take it grenadavet; just too gross for me.