Last night my daughter emailed me to recommend a Food Network link to a Paula Deen recipe for English Peas. The recipe called for 1) an appropriate sized pot, 2) two cans of English peas 3) a quarter pound of butter. Basically it was "select pan, turn on burner, open two cans of peas, add cube of butter, enjoy". The recipe was so clearly simplistic that it drew a host of very funny reviews.
Let me first say that I love Food Network, have long enjoyed Giada's cleavage as she makes pasta dishes "sexy", really enjoyed Rachel Ray until she became as overexposed as a Britney Spears limo exit, and love to see Bobby Flay get "whooped" by a southern chef with a killer barbecue recipe. However, I've always been a bit put off by Paula Deen and her orgasmic delight on adding huge gobs of butter to every cooking recipe. I'm also always a bit uncomfortable when she has her two sons in the kitchen with her and, as they prepare an old family recipe, like buttered butterbeans, she reminds her sons on air that she bought them their palatial homes. This is so "Y'all will know how sweet she is".
However, at last night's reading of the English Peas recipe, I have fallen madly in love with Paula and want to be her business manager. I can take Paula to new heights of success, far beyond the Walmart Carrot Cake and the pots and pans business.
I am proposing that Paula apply her love of butter toward a host of additional endorsement deals:
I will first have Paula endorsing a national brand of real butter. She will be dressed to the hilt, divinely coiffed silver wig in place, and endorse the joys of cooking with real butter, as opposed to the leading tub of margarine; all she need do is curl her lip and point to that yellow tub of margarine and say "I know damn well it ain't butter".,,,:and "y'all know it too!"
The next endorsement will have Paula smack dab in the middle of a Home Depot aisle and she'll hold up a can of WD-40 while in her other hand she holds a tub of butter. All she need say is "To lubricate those rusty joints and stop those squeaky doors, I prefer mother nature's own remedy, Y'all".
Next I want to see Paula stepping out of the shower, dripping wet, scoop out a gob of butter and begin slathering her Reubenesqe body with this versatile product and say "Hey Y'all, Cleopatra enjoyed milk baths but I've never enjoyed a more luxurious moisturizer than what Elsie the Cow provides".
Finally, we'll shuffle Paula over to the late night audience. We'll bring in her hubby, Slud, or Mud, or whatever she calls him. We'll have she and hubby cuddling in a huge heart-shaped Hollywood bed, lights low. Paula will give Mud, Slud a big kiss and reach back to the night table, cup her hand erotically and dip out a healthy helping of butter as she gazes passionately into the camera and whispers "Slud, Mud just loves the pleasure and intimacy good ole butter brings to our passion sessions...camera fade-out, with Slud, Mud smiling devilishly.
Paula! Y'all call me, hear!
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