Friday, April 21, 2017

KFC Spent $80 Million For What?


Now anyone who knows the chicken business knows that Chik-Fil-A has been kicking KFC's butt for years now.  So this week I read that KFC has spent the last two years, and $80 million dollars, working on a better chicken sandwich.

Well, KFC is about to debut their new sandwich, called "The Zinger", on April 24th.  No doubt your email box will be full of animated crowing chickens, accompanied by a 20 percent discount coupon, to test drive The Zinger.

Sigh.  I could have saved KFC that $80 million.  Just hire southern moms.  Yes, I said southern moms...the purveyors of delicious crispy fried chicken...from recipes handed down to them from an era when women twisted the neck off a yardbird, de-feathered it themselves, and threw into a hot iron skillet filled three quarters with lard.

Yes, lard.  And don't get your panties in a bunch.  Lard makes everything tastes better.  And is it really important that you don't live to age 89, your brain fried with old age dementia?  Can't you be happy living to 85 and dying with a smile on your face?

Just have your wife (or, in this era, do it yourself)...wander into the kitchen and whip up a tray of biscuits, made with lard.  That's the taste we grew up with...the taste we loved...before our government masters dictated its extinction in commercial kitchens.  (Yes, people...they still make their fast food and diner biscuits with lard down south...they just hide the bucket when the food inspectors come in.)


A few years ago I walked into a Hardees down Georgia way.  As I walked in the door I realized I was the only White boy in the joint.  However, the scent of biscuits and gravy steeled my spine and I sidled up to the counter and ordered myself a styrofoam platter of southern nirvana.  And, man it was good!  

After sopping up the last ounce of sausage gravy with that lard infused biscuit, I gathered up my tray, dropped the trash into the receptacle, then prepared to walk out.  And, as I sauntered toward the door I noticed that Hardee's chef, a large Black lady, was winking at everyone at the tables around me.  I suspect that viral winking was not about the "honkey"...rather that some fried yard bird was even now being lowered into a tub of boiling lard...right in time for lunch.

KFC, if you're reading this, next time you can fore go wasting $80 million bucks to come up with something that tastes good.  Just hire yourself a southern mom and stock up on tubs of lard.

You're welcome.


Jerry Carlin said...

I read (somewhere?) that titanium (the metal) is used as a preservative in many foods!
Interesting that we shouldn't eat lard (it is in my house!) but a certain amount, continually raised, plastics and pesticides and stuff I can't pronounce is OK!

A Modest Scribler said...

Yes, Jerry, ain't it great that our government masters have deemed one parts per thousand of rat turd is okay, and that a plethora of weird and artificial stuff is okay...but not rendered lard. sigh.