Monday, December 28, 2015

Ethernet Ecstacy


I'm headed down to Arrowhead Town Center Mall as soon as it opens this morning. I plan to navigate both upper and lower concourse stark naked. And I don't think anyone will notice. Let me explain.
When I journeyed down to the Apple Store down in Arrowhead the other day I was struck by the overwhelming number of folks who had their eyes down and focused on their I Phones and iPads. I don't think I was able to make eye contact with a single person while lost and trying to find the Apple Store. 
And it seems these people, so enamored by some utterly fascinating net site or text, don't seem to care if they bump into other human beings, or even the counter of a sunglass hut if it means they will miss one golden uttering of whomever they are texting with. 
I felt like Adrian Peterson making his way through the entire Green Bay secondary as I dodged and weave ethernet "texters" throughout the entire half mile of mall concourse!
And it didn't get better once I reached the Apple Store. The store was packed with folks hell bent on buying an Apple product....problem was they couldn't seem to raise their baby blues to eye level to make contact with an Apple concierge. So, rather than being able to just walk in and buy a god-damned iPhone I had to wait for more than 20 minutes just to capture the attention of a concierge who were busy trying to make eye contact with the device-devoted cattle who were too caught up with their iPhones to stop and declare what they wanted. I had no such device so I had to stand around and admire 50 different versions of iPhone covers that ranged from zebra skin to alligator hide.

Because I already knew the model and specs of the iPhone I wanted, I just wanted to buy it and get out of there. Alas, that is not the way one does business in the world of cyber. Once I finally got a concierge's attention I rattled off my wants and he just stood there, totally flummoxed. "You want an iPhone 6S with 64 gigabyte?", he queried. "Yes", said I. "Well, my name is Renaisse (please roll the "R") and I'm from Cuba and I'd be glad to help you today.",,,then stood waiting while I again repeated my wants. 
Alas, that was the last eye contact I would make with a human being that day. The concierge grabbed the iPhone box, scanned in the price into his little black electronic transaction box and waited for me to pull my credit card out. Before doing so I showed him my military ID card and ask him to check to see if there's a military discount on the product. Renaisse looked at me like I'd just taken a big bowel movement right there smack dab in the middle of the store, then reluctantly consulted his little black box, and grudgingly knocked ten percent off the price of my new iPhone.
"Can I email you the receipt for this...(or will you make me actually present a hard copy)", asked Rennaisse. I ask for a hard copy and got that pitying look normally reserved for senile centenarians in an old folks home, but he did give me a receipt. Renaisse then asked if I'd like a bag for my purchase....and I immediately noticed that he had his fingers crossed, hoping that this barbarian wouldn't demand a plastic bag that would surely end up in polluted mass out in the South I refused the bag and stuck the phone box in my windbreaker. Renaisse's faced was beatific as if he were pondering the possibility that old folks like me were finally "earth friendly" and might someday be "converted".
As I left the store there were still the same hundred people, standing on one leg, texting away, seemingly not sure, and not caring why they were even there. 
As I returned to the main mall concourse I kept one hand on the phone box in the pocket of my windbreaker and braved the "texting zombie herds" of folks who didn't know where they were going...and didn't seem to care.
So, at 9AM sharp, I'm going to don my best plastic raincoat, stark naked underneath, and shed that raincoat as soon as I enter the mall. I am totally convinced that I can navigate that entire mall concourse with not a single person noticing my questionably attractive nudity.
If I am stopped I'll just plead innocence...having forgotten to dress because I was texting on my new iPhone. Sigh.


Brian Clancy said...

I'd do it on a warmer day.

Frank Krzesowiak said...

Welcome to the "New World Order". The good news is that it keeps these people from voting for Hillary because they are too busy to do something as silly as voting. At work where one is expressly forbidden from using your phone, 20 somethings routinely sit for hours...on their phones. Yep. Rules are for Suckers. But just think. You can strangle one of these Cretins in the middle of a mall, and there would be no witnesses.