How many of you are old enough to remember that ancient TV show called "My Mother The Car?"
It has been deemed the worst TV show in the history of television. The premise was this fella's mom comes back reincarnated as a 1928 Porter touring sedan...he finds her on a used car lot and brings her home where she will set out to nag him to death over his obviously unsatisfactory lifestyle.
Well a mom reincarnated as a car is just the silliest of premises. However, a nagging car seems to be in our immediate future! You see, GM (Government Motors), the radically unionized, ultra liberally oriented manufacturing arm of the Obama administration, is contracting with the Clemson University Vehicular Electronics Laboratory (CEVEL) to come up with some fairly radical "nagging logic" for installation in future GM cars.
The CEVEL is working on a project, appropriately code named "Yes We CAN", named after the Controller Area Network (CAN) that will power this automated nagging. These lab folks are doing all kinds of field research to bring you the best of programmed automotive computer nagging. They've enlisted the aid of mother-in-laws, housewives and environmental "greenies" to see what they might harvest in the way of serious "nagging." Everything from "my daughter should never have married you", to "why must I always have to tell you to take out the trash", to "not tonight, I have a headache." And the "greenies" intend to beat you about the head every time you make an unnecessary run with the car.
For example, the new CAN car will activate the GPS as soon as you activate that little key chain ignition fob to open and start your car. The GPS will calculate your location and, before activating the ignition, will ask you where you are intending to drive. If your response is "grocery store", CAN will activate the GPS, identify the nearest grocery store, then begin to nag you about an unnecessary trip. "Why you lazy piece of shit", the car will proclaim "Safeway is only five blocks away..why don't you get off your tired ass and hoof it!" "I just ran the numbers and you'll use .55 gallons of gas on this trip!" "Don't you even care about your carbon footprint!"
Or if you've been a little lax in changing the oil the car will announce at your very next fob hit, "why must you take me for granted...I work and slave for you and this is the thanks I get!". You just want to jump into me and it's "wham, bam, thank you ma'am..and without even a drop of lubrication!" "You beast!"
And, if you are able to convince CAN that you're deserving of a drive, try to imagine what you'll be hearing; "slow down, you almost ran a red light!" "my god, Harold, did you ogle that blond driving the convertible that just passed us?" ..."you're old enough to be her father!"
Oh, and the revolutionary new CAN system just had to have a touch of the liberal. It's built into their theft protection system. It seems that, as soon as a thief, begins to break into the car, the CAN system begins cajoling the thug not to steal the car. "You really mustn't do this...let me scan my memory banks and find you some free counseling." "I'll even drive you there if you promise you'll keep the appointment." "By the way, are you registered to vote?"..."there's an app for that you know."
By the way, CAN will even allow you to personalize the car by giving it a name...just be careful what you call it or you'll be doing a lot more walking than you want to!
(Okay, I'll admit...only 75% of this is true..but that should be enough to scare the hell out of you!)
Cheers, dear readers! Ain't technology wonderful!