Jay Jameson Reporting (Part 3 of the ALF Series of Reports)
In an unexpected move American Liberation Forces (ALF) staged a bold daylight raid on the news studios of all the major networks in Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, Atlanta and Washington. Scores of liberal mainstream news broadcasters were taken into custody and shunted off to a "liberal re-education camp" in Springwood, Texas, currently under control of the ALF Southern Command.
Household names like Wolf Blitzer, Dianne Sawyer, George Stephanopolis, Mika Brzezinski, Katy Couric, RINO Joe Scarborough, Mike Barnacle, Keith Olberman, Rachael Maddow, Andrea Mitchell, and the entire staff of MSNBC were among those taken into custody and transferred to Springwood for an intensive program of civics re-education. Only two casualties were reported during the raid; Dan Rather broke a hip after falling off the Bronze Wall Street Bull in a senility-fueled attempt to escape, and far Left liberal reporter Chris Matthews, to escape capture, jumped to his death off the roof of Rockefeller Center. Witnesses said he was screaming invectives all the way down.
We have learned that Bill O'Reilly has been selected as Superintendent of Schools for Springwood, with William Crystal of the National Standard assuming the duties of Director of Education. Professors George Will, Thomas Sowell and Victor Davis Hansen are just a few of the professors named to conduct classes.
A copy of the student guide was given to this reporter which dictates student regulations as well as the class curriculum.
Some of the more notable highlights in the guide include requiring all students to stand, salute the flag and recite the Pledge of Allegiance prior to the start of each class day. Some of the classes listed as prerequisites include:
1) Audio-Visual: A view of a large compilation of Ronald Reagan speeches; 1960 to 1990.
2) Constitutional Principles; students must memorize the pre-amble to the Constitution as well as the Bill of Rights
3) Tyranny of The Minority; students will learn that, in a Republic, the majority, not the minority rule and that political catering and pandering to political minorities contribute to the destruction of said Republic...and eventual Civil War to resolve those conflicts
4) The First Amendment to the Constitution; students will learn that, with a free press, also comes responsibility to report all news in a fair and objective manner, and are forbidden from allowing personal biases to affect their objective delivery of the news.
5) The Fox News Phenomenon; students will be required to watch a minimum of 30 hours of Fox News broadcasting to learn how to program a diversity of guests and host analysts who represent all sides of the political spectrum, with special emphasis on the contrariness profile of Juan Williams.
6) The 14th Amendment; A Study. Students will be required to read the 14th Amendment and study the context of it's authorship, both the era and political climate, so as to understand the 14th Amendment was never written to authorize citizenship for anchor babies born to illegal immigrants while in the U.S.
7) The Peril of Liberal Political Blathering: Students will be required to view all 1,655 speeches given by Barack Hussein Obama and attempt to detect any substantial discussion of our nation's problem issues. Successful completion of the course will be when students understand clearly that the speeches consist merely of self-adulation and pandering pontifications.
8) The Great Society Programs. Students will learn that the Great Society programs, established under the Presidency of Lyndon Johnson, cost the American taxpayer trillions of dollars and created three generations of "victims" who rely on a government check, breed irresponsibly, ingest dangerous drugs, violently misbehave and live in family units where 75% of them are single parent households. Journalists will be cautioned not to perpetuate Black "victimhood" by churning out sob stories about an uncaring government.
At the completion of the course, graduate journalists and broadcasters will be limited to working as apprentices in radio and television stations broadcasting at less than 10,000 Watts until such time that they demonstrate the ability to execute fair and balanced reporting.
Note: Part IV of the ALF Reports will resume in a few days, after further coverage of the debates and election issues.