Ladies and Gentlemen, dear readers, my fellow Americans! Today I am announcing that I'm running for President of the United States! I am running as an Independent on the Just Common Sense platform. I, therefore, am seeking your support for my candidacy by laying out what I'll do on the first day in office.
1) Effective immediately on 20 January, 2017, cocktails served in dinner restaurants will be reduced by 2/3rds. Those restaurants are already gouging us on the meal; there is absolutely no excuse to pay five times wholesale for a beer and ten times wholesale for a shot of whiskey!
2) When standing in grocery checkout lines it is immediately illegal to chat about the weather, grocery prices, your current love life, or to show the latest pics of your kids! And checkout cashiers will no longer be permitted to ask if you found everything.....if you didn't find it yourself you don't need it!
3) Speaking of grocery shopping, beginning when I assume the Presidency I'm issuing an Executive Order that anyone who parallel parks their grocery cart in the middle of the grocery aisle will be summarily executed!
4) Effective immediately all assembly instructions written in small type are illegal! Also illegal are Chinese technical writers who insist you connect point B to point C while omitting what to do at point C!
5) Anyone who repeatedly punches an elevator button to get it moving are hereby not allowed to ride in elevators!
6) From January 2017 on, any male or female who fails to thank me after I have held the door open for them will be tarred and feathered!
7) Effective immediately snacks place in hotel room convenience bars will be reduced by 500%!
8) Also effective in January, 2017, any old person who takes longer than 5 minutes to pull out small change out of their coin purse while in the checkout line are subject to review by my healthcare death panel!
9) All doors to office buildings and retail establishments will conform to a uniform code specifying which directions the doors open....it will no longer be permitted for one door to open outward, while another opens inward. Get together and decide but you no longer have an option for both!
10) Anyone who takes longer than five minutes to parallel park will have their automobile impounded and your driver's license revoked. This policy is part of my energy savings program as the 20 cars waiting for you to park will no longer burn thousands of gallons of fuel while waiting for you to park.
11) Anyone so engrossed in your cell phone conversation that you fail to move forward at a green traffic light will be shot on sight! (Another energy saving policy)
12) All microwave oven instructions will be printed in large type for visually impaired seniors...and, effective June, 2020 all microwaves must recognize the food you put in them and heat accordingly, without anyone having to punch in a time!
13) Effective upon my inauguration those funny little code lights on your car dash board, that no one knows their meaning, are immediately banned!
14) Also effective immediately, menudo and goat cheese are banned, and restaurants are hereby banned from including ingredients in your dinner salad that you often find growing on the side of a busy freeway!
15) If you are not elderly or disabled you will no longer get a handout of any kind from the government without offering work in kind, whether it be raking leaves in a public park, serving as a teacher assistant, working in a child care office or emptying bed pans in your local hospital. No exceptions!
16) Finally, all laws will heretofore be obeyed! If you're here illegally you'll be sent home. Lawbreakers will be punished, whether you like cops, or the laws, or not!
My fellow Americans! I seek your vote! When November, 2016 comes around, just write in "Dearel Friend" on your ballot and I'll pledge to carry out every one of my platform promises.
God Bless you all and God Bless America!