As a senior citizen I am naturally behind many of America's cultural advances. So, imagine my surprise when I recently learned that alcoholic beverages are now served in over 600 of America's 5,800 movie theaters! And more on the way, according to my local paper.
Well, I'm thinking "what a brilliant idea!" Now we can enjoy even more irritations while trying to watch a movie. Rowdy children, ringing cell phones, generally rude adults, and now drunks! And who doesn't want to send their children to a theater where alcohol is being served! What could possibly go wrong, right?
I imagine this pretty well cements my life-long refusal to ever enter a movie theater, ever again. My last visit to one was in 1994...to see Forrest Gump. And on that visit, I was surprised to see the wealth of irritants present as I tried to watch a movie. I vowed that day that I would wait for a DVD release, or an appearance on television.
Maybe the theater chains can have "happy hours" during intermission! A good guzzler ought to easily down two mugs of beer, or a couple of rum and cokes in that span.
But I do wonder if the local child molestors, who have been diligently curbing their appetite for groping crotches, might find their defenses down after a couple of beers. And I wonder how many vomit puddles they'll have to clean up between viewings.
You would think the theater chains would be happy vending $10 dollar buckets of popcorn, or $2 dollar candy bars, but I guess not.
The bar's open folks! Drink up! And, who knows, if you get drunk enough, maybe you won't notice how bad movies are these days.