Thursday, November 20, 2014

"Love Hurts"

                                                                 

Be still my heart.  You know, folks, I'm not getting any younger, and sometimes I come across something on the internet that proves to be dangerous and alarming. I'm going to have to be more careful what I'm reading because yesterday I came across an article about an alarming rise in Americans who are being injured while having sex.

I was minding my own business, reading an article about how to host a Thanksgiving dinner without lifting a finger when, just below the article I was reading, came a "teaser" about folks having sex injuries.  Seems an online dating site called "Meetville" recently ran a survey of folks they helped to hook up. The results were startling!  40% of those in the survey have reported being injured during the act of sex.  So scary!  These poor buggers have been impaled by broken tea cups and shattered wine glasses, have had pictures falling off the wall and been showered by broken glass, had their backs broken by collapsed bed frames, have been scalded by naked light bulbs when a bedside lamp shattered and crashed upon them and all manner of sexual disasters.

The survey goes on to report that the most dangerous places to have sex are the couch, the stairs, in the bath tub, on the toilet, in the car, on a chair, on the dining room table and, for god's sake, in the garden.

These sexual athletes have gotten themselves stuck in the toilet bowl, have cracked their head in the bathtub, have brought perfectly sturdy dining room tables crashing down around their ears, have slid off of granite countertops when the lube flowed a bit too freely, have picked up a good case of chiggers in the most unlikely of places  by screwing in the garden, been stabbed in the ass by rose bushes, have sprained their backs and cracked their heads on travertine tile when a dining room chair collapsed on them, have plummeted down whole sets of stairs while in "coitus delecto" and similarly injured in the aforementioned incidents in their own bedroom!

Survey respondents reported numerous incidents of total embarrassment as they showed up in hospital emergency rooms and had to explain their injuries, the most heinous being those times when neither they, nor their partner, could extract various and sundry items from an exotic vaginal or anal canal.

Folks, I'm too old to be reading stuff like this!  You may recall that, a couple of years ago, I dutifully reported the dangers of "coffee and sex"...I thought that was bad!  But here I am, more than an hour after reading this survey, still trying to get my blood pressure down...and some of those images out of my head.

Sigh.

11 comments:

Jerry Carlin said...

I should be embarrassed to say that I have never been hurt nor have I ever hurt another person while discovering the sins of the flesh. After reading your story I feel that I just didn't put enough into it.

A Modest Scribler said...

Me too, Jerry! I've apparently lived a boring sex life!

Craig Bailey said...

Could these injuries be related to the national obesity problem or another effect of climate change? Haha have a good day!

Darlene said...

This is just a true bunch of craziness.

Frank said...

Come on Darlene. That's all we have left is craziness when you get to a certain age. I'm almost 67 and was having sex about 2 weeks ago, when I got a cramp in my leg. Hurt like Hell and couldn't go on. Does this count?

A Modest Scribler said...

It is Darlene, it is!

A Modest Scribler said...

Frank, yes, I think a charlie horse counts if you can't finish the job! :)

Old Bob said...

I'm 70. What's sex?

A Modest Scribler said...

Hey, old Bob! Nice to hear from you!

Brian Clancy said...

I have 3 kids, what's sex?

A Modest Scribler said...

A little late to begin explaining the birds and the bees, Brian. :)